i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize