So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
