It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
