I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
