Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
