Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
