Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
