Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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