i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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