I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
