could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
