I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
