its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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