Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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