Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
