i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
