he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Randomize
