After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
