I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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