i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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