Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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