I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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