Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
