I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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