I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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