I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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