i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
