I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
