i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
