Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They should really pass out barf bags in church
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
