Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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