I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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