I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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