So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
