Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
