So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize