The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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