i think i have two assholes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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