How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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