You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
