is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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