What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
