i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
