I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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