Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
