george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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