Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
