people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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