the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
