it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
