I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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