erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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