Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I looked at my own cervix.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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