He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
