Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
