She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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