u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
